Why I waited 10 years to report abuse to the police

Trigger warning – Sexual assualt

In 2012 I was raped by a friend of a friend.

In 2022 I reported it to the police.

I waited 10 years until I said anything to the police, something that unfortunately isn’t uncommon.

After it happened I told friends, I told partners, I mentioned it as this off the cuff comment whenever I was asked or if the topic arose and it was appropriate to share.

During this 10 years I got the usual range or replies from “Oh that’s terrible, I’m so sorry!” to “Yeah, me too”. I can’t discern which reply I got the most, it didn’t really matter. I didn’t need people to be sorry because it was just this sucky thing that happened.

This thing that happened in one way or another to the majority of the women around me (and I’m sure some men too, but I haven’t heard much about those, more on this later…)

There were a couple of reasons I didn’t report it, and didn’t think I ever would.

1 – I didn’t think it would get to court. It was his word against mine and I don’t have faith in the justice system.

2 – We had talked about kink and CNC, and although there wasn’t any discussion of us doing it. I had shared how I wanted to try it.

3 – I thought I wouldn’t be believed. People would think I had consented and then ‘changed my mind’.

Here are some statistics from the rapecrisis website (please take a moment to read them all, and feel fucking horrified) – https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/statistics-sexual-violence/

The highest ever number of rapes within a 12-month period was recorded by police in the year ending September 2022:
70,633

In that same time period, charges were brought in just 2,616 rape cases.

70,633 rapes in a year, and only 2,616 cases made. And that isn’t even looking at how many of those cases ended in conviction.

So my story isn’t uncommon. In fact, it is what usually happens.

So what changed for me, why did I decide to report it after 10 years?
I watched a Netflix documentary about sexuality and at the end there was a segment where all of these women were talking about their experiences of SA.

I noticed that every single one of them downplayed their experience.

Then I realised, I had been down playing mine.

I started to feel sad and angry, I started to see that we have a massive problem when it comes to this topic.

Rape is so common that when we hear about it we don’t see it as this thing we have a right to complain about, because everyone else has their own story of it. (1 in 4 women)

Rape is so common that we just accept it as a shitty part of life.

Rape is so common that we expect it to happen to us during our life time (and we’re incredibly lucky if it doesn’t.)

And that is just talking about rape, if you factor other forms of ‘less serious’ sexual assault into it, then I don’t think I have EVER met a women who hasn’t been on the receiving end of it.

As I realised this, I got angry. I got angry that we are living in a society that is conditioning us to stay quiet, to not make a fuss. Telling us that making a report isn’t worth it, demanding recognition that what happened isn’t worth it. Making a fuss won’t change anything.

That is the sad fact here, so few women report, and so few get the justice they deserve.

We see this everyday, we hear the comments from others saying she probably asked for it, shes lying etc etc and that makes us stay quiet.

When you make those comments doubting someone, you don’t realise you’re also giving that message to your friends and family. Those around you who trust your opinion, hear you say those words and think you would say the same if they shared their experience.

I realised that if I stayed quiet too, then I was part of that very problem that made me so fucking angry.
So I decided to speak up instead. 10 years later, knowing that it would never lead anywhere.

I trusted in the police to take my statement without judgment when I mentioned the CNC, when I shared why I waited so long. We expect to be judged in that interview room, to be made to feel as if we are wasting time.

For me, I didn’t have that. I got the most amazing support, the reassurance and backing that I deserved. Yet I still went into the room prepared not to.

I know my rapist won’t be convicted. But I still get something from this.

The thought of him having this on his record, if we has any other reports then there is a pattern and hopefully my report can act as supportive evidence.

The idea of the police knocking on his door 10 years later to pull him in for questioning. The fear that he must feel, especially if he thinks he got away with it.

And if he has done this to anyone else, he’ll now be worried that could come out of the blue at any time.

That is my victory.

Now back to the men.

1 in 4 women, and 1 in 20 men are sexual assaulted as an adult.

Although I doubt this is true. I think the numbers are higher. Much higher.

The problem with these numbers if that they are based off people sharing their story.

You’ve read my story now, and hopefully understand just how little women actually share their stories.

Men share them even less.

Men deal with a similar set of reasons. Embarrassment, fear of being judged or fear of not being believed.

Men deserve the space to speak up, they deserve to be believed and supported.

It isn’t their fault their gender carries out 98% of these sexual offences. It doesn’t invalidate their experiences or make them any less important than ours as women.

When you next have a conversation about rape and sexual assault, don’t exclude the men. Ask them about their experiences, but be prepared that if we have been downplaying ours, they have too.

They might not even realise that what happened was sexual assault. Especially if it was a female perpetrator, or someone in position of authority.

Just look at the difference in new articles if a teacher is taken to court for SA with a student. Male and female teacher. One is a creep, the other is the fantasy.

As women, we are getting better at speaking up. The ‘Me Too’ movement and similar are giving us the confidence to stand our ground and see the incredible power in community.

We may still be fighting our war, but we don’t need to win ours before we start fighting alongside men too.

After all we are fighting against the same thing.